Umami Burger

[October 22, 2013]

Dear softrice fan:

Anger management is one of many life lessons to learn in a timed series of ups and downs.  Honey fails to contain her inner animal as she exchanges bitter emails with her videographer throughout the day.  As a consumer, she wants the most for the least of her dollars.  Meanwhile, the worker bee wants to do the least amount of work for the most he could cheat from her.

I advise Honey to focus on what she can change, because being angry and procreating hate goes nowhere.  Irony then promptly makes his award-winning appearance by having a colleague rapid-fire false accusations at my professionalism and competency.  I remind myself to lead by example and let the anger go.  Thinking of lover always work.

Honey is less fortunate and clings onto her hulking rage, even though she has the Prince of Heaven accompanying her to the movies.  Her time is ill spent compiling pages of hate email, arguing over the subjective substantiation of professionalism.  Meanwhile, life can be better invested elsewhere, such as channeling all of that time and energy to writing love letters to me (as I do lover).

Where I fail, Bad Grandpa delivers the cheers to Honey.  Johnny Knoxville made a brief appearance and apologized for his humor prior to our screening.  His true person is unrecognizable compared to the old man in the movie.  I sum the retarded film as a waste of life.  However, Honey laughs at what she describes as funny stupid antics.  Disinterested in the movie, I turn over and watch her laugh.  I am at my best when I am able to bring happiness to those by my side.

Umami Burger
432 Sixth Avenue
New York, NY 10011
212.677.8626
www.umami.com

To reciprocate my sacrifice, Honey endures staying up pass her bedtime and agrees to have a late night burger with me.  Her first option was the nearby Shake Shack, but a long line quickly discouraged her and steered our hunger towards the truffle burger at Umami Burger.  I fly her to our destination for us to share the magical moments of good food and awesome companionship in one serving.

Five minutes of life are buried in needless waste before Honey and I are ushered to a table in the land of middle lane.  Congestion and busy traffic populate the space between the bar and wall tables.  Waiters squeeze through like anorexic models to make food deliveries, prompting me to worry if the weather forecast for tonight was raining burgers and fries.  Lastly, the restaurant wore a weird smell as its perfume of the night.

Honey and I both burn perfect handfuls of dollar bills on the Tropical Green Iced Tea.  Magic powder works on the patties, less so on their drinks.  Our lips taste warm water, while our eyes see clear liquid with ice cubes.  The only thing tropical and green are our daydreams of palm tree vacations in Puerto Rico for the overly embracing winter.

Manly Burger

Usually my planning sidekick, Honey wants me to go spontaneous and do the combo.  I may occasionally defer to pretty girls, but I rather make my own decisions than allow strangers to decide my fate.  Lover is not a fan of beef, so other than the duck burger (which I already photographically documented last time), there is only the tuna burger that would interest her palate.  However, Yun gave the tuna poor reviews on her multiple incursions, so I opt for the next best thing – man up for lover by having the Manly Burger.

Beer-cheddar cheese, bacon lardons, smoked-salt onion strings, house ketchup, and mustard spread decorates my burger tree.  The manly combination is a melting ooze fest.  Cheese and bacon usually makes everything better, but this is the exception.  I miss the crispy charred texture to the patty, which is rediscovered in our next burger.

Truffle Burger

I have not wrestled down their entire menu, but only the Truffle Burger has the noise and experience to contend as Umami Burger’s signature champion.  After tasting their best offering, Honey reconfirms that the word of softrice is the universal truth.  My recommendation against all her naysayers is the ultimate good for her.  The house blend of beef with roasted garlic aioli is a perfect match for her taste buds.  Even when Honey was unable to finish the last bites of her burger, she had to suck away all the addictive house truffle cheese and truffle glaze down her tummy.  Then she passed on the remaining two bites, coated with her new awesome sauce, for me to perform the finale.

In a heartwarming (albeit delusional) stake over my ownership, Honey frees me to sleep with all the little tramps that I want.  However, if I was to commit to another long-term relationship, they must go through her review and approval. Deviating from how most men simply despise matriarchal rule, I am proud that someone takes ownership of me.  I would even be happier if lover would hold me on a tighter leash and stop pushing me to make new friends!  All of these hungry females are devouring my divinity.

Truffle 'Em Thin Fries

Another poor performance by Umami Burger for the night was their orchestra of consumption symphony.  Honey could not accept that she had her burger before fries.  Our waitress also did not provide us with spoonfuls of their trinity sauce.  The Truffle ‘Em Thin Fries are the stand issue of potato sticks, dosed with truffle cheese, and dashed with truffle salt.  Honey licks the white sauce dry again, only to determine that the fries were not salty enough.  It is a good thing then that my personality supplements any additional needs for wetness and saltiness.

Unable to contain her excitement for my stories, Honey obsessively hounds through my notes and outlines, sniffing for clues on my softrice adventures.  In the past, she would read my posts as I provide links to her.  Due to my inability to write as fast as she reads though, Honey peeks down into another layer of my genius at work.  It is a different experience reading my initial plans and trajectories, because she knows they will change in the end, providing her and my fans an alternative euphoria.  I now hit Honey with three highs – the experience, the reconstruction, and the story.

Cinnamon Chocolate Chip Ice Cream Donut

My ultimate reason for returning to Umami Burger was to taste their Ice Cream Donut.  A great depression struck when our waitress informs us that they were out of Peanut Butter & Jelly for the night.  Honey attributes my heartbreak only to not getting what I want, so she orders a tramp to brighten my night – the Cinnamon Chocolate Chip.  (You would need to watch Bad Grandpa to know that cinnamon is a nickname for tramp.)  The dessert was a messy eating, with the dough and ice cream sticking on my fingers.  I give my thumb for Honey to suck on, to which she says I have a crocked thumb.  Bearing witness to all our fun, the couple on our neighboring table demands an Ice Cream Donut of their own!

Food: C
Drinks: F
Dessert: D+
Ambiance: F
Final: D

Lover has always been at the forefront of technology, while I trailed behind with the basics.  To catch up with her fancy though, I will pick up my first magic box tomorrow, the golden iPhone 5s.  Like most girls, Honey is surprised that I survived so long with a dumb-phone, and exaggerates that I could still update my Facebook with new pictures of Linda Chung everyday with such old technology.  It is simply called following her Weibo.

On related news, I shared Grace Wong’ s first song, “If I Believe”, with Honey and the world yesterday.  Grace is now a contracted singer and will soon have her very own CD.  I am proud of her achievements, which motivates me more to realize some of my own (atop May-Ling pursuing the CISA).  Honey thrusts everything forward with her statement that girls do like guys more for their smarts than looks.

I am the living definition of smart in lover’s eyes.  It is time to prove once again that she is always right.  The Success Momentum is activated.  With a twinkle in my eye, I warn Honey to prepare the celebration dinners.  Nothing can stop me now.  Everything is within my grasp, for my taking, and to my liking.  And there is so much to take, and so much to like.  All of which are mine.

Always in a puff of smoke,

softrice

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